Shorter men and dating

One of the most common complaints I see from fellow shorter people, mostly men, is that being a shorter man makes dating and finding love difficult. I have no doubt that this is true. Rather then focusing on that negative however I wanted to offer my advice, from a shorter woman's perspective, to those of you out there who are still looking. Much of this is obvious to anyone with a grain of common sense. It is not my intention to patronise you, but sometimes we need to see common sense statements over and over again and from someone elses lips before we internalise them.

1. People who won't date you because you are shorter are saving you from a lot of bother later on.


I know it's easier said then done to brush off the hurt you feel when someone won't date you because of your appearance. I know it sounds like a overly simplistic moral story from a children's book to say that shallow people are not worth your time but it is a fundamental truth. 

Life is really hard and relationships are harder. In a long term partnership or marriage you have to weather a lot of storms. A person who can reject you over something as superficial as height will not make a good life partner. This is not the quality of someone who will stand by you in good times and bad.

So don't waste a second longing for a person who rejects you on height based grounds. They have saved you a lot of trouble.

2. Never lie about your height if you are online dating.


There was an interesting post recently from my fellow blogger on The Social Complex about height and dating. He highlighted the story of a man who had omitted his height on a dating profile and was chastised for it.

While I agree that there is a difference between omitting your height and lying about it, I still believe that being upfront and honest is a wiser move.

It is an indication of just how widespread heightism is, that every man I dated through Match.com had lied about his height. Even the taller ones for some reason. Most lied by an inch or two, but there was one man, a shorter man, who exaggerated his height by half a foot.

It did him no favours. Before he had even opened his mouth he'd put me on my guard, not because he was shorter, but because he'd lied. My first impression of him was 'This is a dishonest man, what else will he have lied about'. The date did not go well from that point and I never saw him again.

I am not going to patronise you and pretend that if you are honest, people will not look at your profile and instantly reject you simply on the basis that you are 'only' X feet tall. But stuff those people and reread point one.

I'm an overweight women. I was always upfront about that fact, it was included in my profile and in my photographs. I know for a fact that this meant my profile was instantly rejected by some men, but they were saving me time and heartache and I have never regretted my honesty.

3. Don't give up trying. Love will not appear when you are not looking/least expect it.

When you are dating, people will often, patronisingly, tell you that if you only stopped trying so hard love would come and find you when you least expect it.

This is blatant bullshit. Love, like anything worth having takes a lot of effort. In this case it means getting out there and socialising with friends, using online dating resources, joining groups and so on and so on and so on. I don't know of anybody who fell in love by sitting in their flat reading books all night. I have no idea why people think this platitude is a helpful thing to say. It's probably because it has been so long since they have dated they have forgotten just how hard it is.

As well as being patronising, it's positively dangerous for a shorter person because it weakens the resolve to keep on going in the face of all the hardship that shorter people have to face. It's easy to listen to this little nugget and say to yourself 'well, maybe if I give up actively trying to find someone for six months, something will just happen' when what you actually mean deep down is 'this is hard, it hurts and I'm scared. It's easier to just give up then to keep on failing.'


Don't give up. Get back on the horse and keep trying.

4. Penis size is not related to height and even if it did it wouldn't matter.


Apologies to those who find discussions of this nature a little embarrassing, but I think it is important to say this.

Despite the fact that I am a women I have garnered enough knowledge about the mysterious world of men folk to understand that men do not routinely sit around comparing penis size and that it is a serious breach of men ethics to take a sideways glance at another mans equipment while at the urinals.

That being said it seems there is a lot of stress and worry about penis size and what is 'normal'. The fear of not being adequately endowed can be enough to hold a lot of shorter men back from the dating scene. This is deeply unfortunate because it is so unnecessary.

Lets examine it more closely. One common saying is that a mans size is in someway related to his shoe size, the longer the feet the longer the penis, or so goes the theory. By extension Following this theory to it's logical conclusion it would suggest that the shorter the man the shorter the penis.

There is no truth in this, it's simply a myth. (For any heterosexual women who happen to be reading, this is why you should always have the lights on while commencing a relationship with a new partner. You can never guess what you may be getting and without a clear view you may be taken by surprise and not have time to adequately brace yourself.)

However even if it were true it wouldn't matter. At least not to heterosexual women.

The only women I have ever heard who demanded a large penis has been a fictional one. All of the real women I have spoken to say the same thing. Size doesn't matter, technique does. Furthermore, many women have told me that they find larger penises uncomfortable or even painful.

I have no idea why the fictional women on our televisions screens go on and on about large penises. Perhaps it's because most fiction is written by men who have no idea what they are talking about. Perhaps it's a piece of lazy writing that was copied over and over until it became seen as true. I don't know why it's out there but it honestly isn't worth listening to.

As for the views of gay men on penis size I have no idea, but I'd wager they are similarly unconcerned about it.

5. Be real.

On my first date with my husband, who is a shorter man, I knew straight away that I liked him and that he was a man I could trust.

This was because he was totally and utterly himself. He didn't bullshit, exaggerate, try to be funnier then he was, lie about anything or otherwise present himself in a false manner. He was a little nervous and he let that show.

I think there is a temptation as a shorter man to try to be someone else. To walk into the room with some false swaggering bravado, to be overly confident, to be 'cool'. Shorter men are bombarded with messages that they are inadequate because of their height, causing them to feel they have to compensate in some other way.

Never do this. Just the way you are, you are the perfect package for someone out there. If you are in anyway fake you are . . .

• setting yourself up to fail. If a date does like you, they've only fallen for the fake you, if they don't you will never know what could have happened if you'd been yourself.
• creating a sense of fakeness which can set of a date's bullshit detector. This can lead to distrust which will destroy a relationship before it can begin.
• spitting in the face of the universe and scarring your soul by denying the natural wonderfulness that is you.

6. Compromise but don't compromise.

This bit of advice reminds me of a song lyric. 

'Mother always told me 'Save yourself'

Take a little time and find the right girl.

Then again don't end up on the shelf'.

Logical advice get's you in a whirl.'

I appreciate that statement 6 is contradictory but it's an important thing to bare in mind.

I know many people who have stayed in bad relationships because their own personal insecurities - height related or otherwise - have convinced them that they would never find anything better. This is always a waste and it hurts both people equally.

Many shorter men, hemmed in on all sides by negative messages about their worth in society, can often be led to think that they should compromise, settle for what they can get even if the person in question makes them unhappy on many levels. 

This is wrong. No-one should compromise on something as important as a romantic relationship. If a person isn't right for you move on, it's the only correct thing to do for everyone concerned.

However this is a wisdom which has to be used with a great big pitch of common sense. There is are things you cannot compromise on and somethings you definitely should. What these things are varies for the individual but I think the following list is a good place to start.

Things you should hold out for

• Someone who you find attractive
• Someone who is supportive of you
• A good work ethic
• Spiritual outlook similar to yours
• Similar life goals
• Respectful to your family and friends

This you should probably consider compromising on

• Looks like a model
• Large trust fund
• Worships the ground you walk on and never criticises you
• Has voted exactly the same way you have in ever election ever
• Loves your Mum so much that they want to move in with your family once you've got married
• Lives only to meet your every need.
• Is the romantic equivalent of that bloke from Twilight or what ever the latest romance hits is.

And finally

7. Don't be cruel

I strongly believe that there is a basic dating world etiquette that we should all follow. If we all did this the world would be a much better place and expected standards of behaviour would be raised. I also believe in Karma so I ask every shorter person to behave well in the belief that this will in turn lead them to be treated well.

• Don't just disappear. There is nothing more irritating then a person who doesn't return a message, particularly after a date. A simple text or email saying 'It was lovely to meet you but I don't wish to pursue our acquaintance as a romantic relationship' is much more polite. Nobody likes holding their mobile phone under their nose for a week while hope slowly fades away.
• Don't create false hope. If you don't want to meet someone again, don't say you will.
• Don't fib and don't waste others time. If a persons online profile says they are looking for love and you are only looking for a fling, it's wrong to waste their time by pretending to be something you are not.

Well that's all from me, your vaguely patronising Auntie Shorter Bloggess. 

Take care now!